


Dear Diary

by AmyWings



Category: MIKA (Musician) RPF
Genre: Diary, Evolution, M/M, Main character - Freeform, POV First Person, life - Freeform, thoughts, time lapse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-18 23:57:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8180683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmyWings/pseuds/AmyWings
Summary: 12.05.200811:30pm
So, I guess we meet again, paper. I forgot you're supposed to say 'dear diary' but I find it a bit creepy, like, I'm not a crazy person, I know I'm just writing down messy ass thoughts and not talking to an actual person (and if you think you're actually talking to a piece of paper you need to get checked). I never thought I'd ever do this again. That kinda reminds me of my childhood. I don't necessarily feel compelled to write down my feelings the way I used to, and I certainly don't wanna remember all those tears I shed as a little boy on yellowish journals. But, I thought, maybe, why not, considering... Actually scratch that, I just spent two minutes reflecting on this and IThat's bullshit
M-





	1. Chapter 1

**12.05.2008**

11:30pm

So, I guess we meet again, paper. I forgot you're supposed to say 'dear diary' but I find it a bit creepy, like, I'm not a crazy person, I know I'm just writing down messy ass thoughts and not talking to an actual person (and if you think you're actually talking to a piece of paper you need to get checked). I never thought I'd ever do this again. That kinda reminds me of my childhood. I don't necessarily feel compelled to write down my feelings the way I used to, and I certainly don't wanna remember all those tears I shed as a little boy on yellowish journals. But, I thought, maybe, why not, considering... Actually scratch that, I just spent two minutes reflecting on this ~~and I~~

That's bullshit

M-

I don't know what time it is. 2ish. I'm drunk. Laughin, perhaps not, idk. My head hurts thought. I CANT WRITE fuck

* * *

 

**12.06.2008**

10:35am

Ouch is the only word that comes to mind

2pm

I may sound ridiculous, but that diary obsesses me. I don't know why. As I was puking my guts yesterday, I thought about writing in it. I hate having a compulsive behaviour, but I guess that's who I am.

Now, I'm gonna say, I'm not the type to be spreading tears all over the floor, but I did feel miserable yesterday. I didn't write anything because I felt awful, and quite ashamed of myself to tell the truth. I look pale, and even my mum who I had on the phone when I woke up heard through my cracking voice that I was sick somehow. I didn't tell her the deepest feeling winning over the others, but she does know I was wasted yesterday. I got yelled at, obviously, but thank God she doesn't know I got wasted alone…

There's one thing I wish I could see when I read back my notes, and it's all those moments I spend not writing, just, pausing. It looses its depth. Then again, am I deep enough yet to let that type of detail shine through?

So many sighs unheard.

M-

* * *

 

**12.08.2008**

1pm

I forgot to write yesterday – and almost forgot to bring the diary with me. I was busy preparing for a gig that would've caused me a lot of troubles if I hadn't found a way to make it work on time. I swear sometimes I wish I could handle everything myself cause some members of my team – whom I won't name just because I'm such a good person – are really shitty at their job. I might be blunt talking but man does that irritate me!!

Anyways, the gig went amazing, but I think I caught a cold now. I can feel myself getting hotter and hotter even though it's freezing outside (forgot to say I'm currently in Switzerland). Now I'm worried I won't be able to perform tonight, but I have to. I don't know, I feel a bit down. And he's not helping.

Oh yeah, 'diary', let me introduce you to Andy. That's my...cameraman? I don't know. He's nice. But he's… I think I make him uncomfortable or something. That's also a very irritating feeling. I don't get why I have such weird vibes about him, but whenever he's around I'm on edge.

I miss my dog. My mum said he wouldn't make it much longer. That's just great, really.

I sound like such a spoilt brat right now, but I'm honestly just fed up about pretty much everything. I tend to blame myself for it but I need to remember I'm human too.

Time to go sound check in my oversized sweater and my 5 inches thick scarf.

M-

11:50pm

The gig was amazing. Awesome vibes. Made me feel better. I got a call from my brother, Fortuné, asking me if I wanted to come to his party next week – that's a huge gathering he does once in awhile to get everyone at one place. It's cute, relaxing, but even though I said I would think about it, I know I won't be able to come cause I'll be performing my last gig on the very day he set the meeting. That's the main downside about touring, but I'm used to it now.

My mum's around though, as well as my sisters – I actually need to prank back Yasmine whenever I have time. That little idiot thought it'd be funny to hide a tiny pillow full of foul smells inside of my stage costume. I reeked, and I bet some first row fans thought I had some type of hygiene issue. It was that bad.

Talking about smells, I just took the most amazing shower of my life and I'm more than ready to fall asleep for forever. Good night me.

M-

* * *

 

**12.09.2008**

7am

Didn't sleep forever, sadly. (Random thought: I really want Christmas to come).

I woke up not knowing where I was. Andy guy called me to tell me some stuff about the gig in Paris I performed a few months ago. I couldn't stop smiling, he sounded really fond of it and so am I. I loved every minute of that show. And it's doing amazig production wise. So that's good.

On a lesser amazing note, I'm definitely sick now. I can't breathe properly and I hate that, I feel trapped inside of my own body. It's, just, no.

Today's about travelling, prank calling Yasmine, and trying to be in the best mood ever even though the weather's as shitty as my vocal chords probably look like.

M -

 


	2. Chapter 2

**12.13.2008**

10am

I already forgot I had a diary to keep up with. I'm annoyed with myself.

Tonight is my last gig. I fought with Curtis yesterday, I don't really know how it got so heated but it's all good now. He's quite a calm person but you should have seen his face! Freaky.

I'm smiling now cause I had an idea a few months ago. I want to surprise my fans somehow, and I thought I'd let them hear a little bit of what I'm planning for my next album. I already made them know about Rain – which I'm gonna perform tonight as well – but I'll let them hear something else. I'm not quite sure how to call this one yet.

I'm not sick anymore, which is good because it was driving me mad (mad is not strong enough of a word to express how devastated I was, no joke).

Yasmine hates me now. I'm giggling.

 

11:30am

I just got out of a hair appointment. I think I'm just gonna cut it myself next time.

Note to self: don't look horrified when the hairdresser asks you if you like it. Smiling is much easier to deal with.

 

4:40pm

Sound check is done. Currently curled up in a cosy sofa backstage with hot chocolate and Cherisse's extremely unfunny jokes. She's yelling at me because she sees in my smirk that I'm writing about her but I won't let her read ii_

She just tried to steal it but my legs are about as tall as her. Shame.

M-

* * *

 

**12.14.2008**

12am

SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP.

I just woke up and I have nothing to do today. That's amazing.

I got pictures of Fortuné from his party yesterday. Let's just say I'll carefully keep them alive somewhere so I have weapons against him whenever he gets annoying, ha.

I forgot to say yesterday that the hairdresser thought I was 18. How. I know I'm only 25 but I don't look 18, do I? That's very stupid of me to do this, but I tend to keep people's remarks in my head forever. I look like I don't give two shits but really, I do.

 

12:20pm

I just went spying on the MFC for a bit. My fans are weird people. I love it. I'm not quite sure why there's a recurrent theme going on though, what's with all the chicken? Also somebody said I had weird feet. Why would you look at feet in the first place, I'm offended (I'm not, my feet are ugly). A girl also talked about a dream she had. That was a bit creepy. I don't usually like to dress as a farmer and pretend to seduce several women at a time with a broken violin (and a broken voice), just saying. Someone else complained I cut my hair. Seriously thinking about mailing the leftovers to her (also how are you already aware, that's unbelievable how fast pics are spreading). I don't know, my hair sounds like it's some treasure the world needs to protect. That's funny.

Oh, someone also asked someone else who met me how I smelled like (cause that's normal). Hopefully she said “good” and not “foul” from the Yasmine prank thing. Uh.

M-

* * *

 

**12.24.2008**

12am

I'm eating. I stopped writing for a bit. Forgot again.

Tonight is Christmas Eve. I'm beyond excited, can't wait to shove my big fat face with tables of food. I'm back in London celebrating up until New Years Eve before seriously continuing my second album. Feels good to be back home.

I cut myself two days ago, I'm bad at being a man. Talking about being a man, I definitely am worried about A. I'm feeling myself getting

 

1pm

I never got to finish my sentence, my sis came to annoy me, as usual. I'm currently in the bathroom, cause that's about the only place you can be in peace more than 10 seconds in this house. It's not the best place to be talking about deep feelings but who said I was romantic in any shape or form anyway?

So. Andy. I'm laughing, I wrote his name and stopped for a good 30 seconds, who am I. I feel a bit bad cause a few days ago I may or may not have slept with a total stranger and I hated every second of it. I don't know what I was thinking but it was terrible. Online it was fine, but when we came face to face, oh boy I knew it would all go wrong. We just don't have the same vision of the world it seems. Anyway, that evening that sucked apart (if only the sucking part of it had actually happened), I now feel gross cause I thought about him the entire time.

My cheeks are burning, please, Lord, tell me that's just a side effect from my mum's hot sauce.

M-

* * *

 

**12.25.2008**

3am

MERRYY CHRITSMAS!!!

Andy sent me a messge. He might be comeing to see me tomorrow n i'm excited

 

2pm

Andy's call just woke me up. I feel so shitty. He still wants to meet but I'm garbage. Perhaps if I manage to get up and take a shower…

 

3pm

The shower didn't help much. My slight hangover is manageable but it's not the best. I'm nervous. Stop being nervous, Jesus. He probably just wants to talk about… Actually, I don't know, we'll see.

Crap, I think it's him. Writing later.

M-


	3. Chapter 3

**12.26.2008**

_2am_

Okay. I'm in the bathroom again cause everyone is so loud in the living room it's unbelievable. I can't believe people haven't already called the cops on us.

I'm having a really good time for Christmas again, family members I haven't seen in awhile are staying for a few days. My grandma yelled at me for hugging her too hard. I will never understand her.

Anyway, yesterday Andy and I went for a coffee in a place I had never been to (their espresso is indeed disgusting but I tried to keep a straight face in front of him since he suggested the place). That was...awkward. At least at first. But not 'usual' awkward, more like 'shy' awkward which I didn't know I could be that intensely. My mouth was literally shut the first 5 minutes and I watched him struggle to stop the conversation from fading. I can't lie, I was just looking like an idiot the entire time. I don't know what kind of entity took over my body but I felt frozen. He was talking about his holidays and asked me all those questions about mine. I gave short answers and after looking at me for awhile – which, boy, don't do that – he said something and I suddenly vomited a question. Like, I didn't control it one bit. I asked him why he really wanted to see me outside of the “work space”. He froze and laughed, and I felt so bad cause it could have been interpreted in such a mean way. But he just slowly looked up again and told me something along the lines of “I just think you're a very cool person, and I'd like to know you better”. Or did he say “cute”? My mind is blurred.

By the way, I forgot to describe him. So he's tall, me tall (and I'm like 6'3), blue eyes, blondish hair, quite thin but not me thin (cause I'm on the brink of dying according to my grandma who wants to feed me 15 times a day), with a very low kind of voice which really contrasts with the way he looks, I don't know, that's intense. That may be why I'm so weird around him: he impresses me. Not a lot of people do.

Literally drunk Yasmine banging on the door right now. She says she needs to pee real bad, I might stay in there a couple more minutes then.

Yes, I'm a bad brother.

M-

* * *

 

**12.31.2008**

_3pm_

Nothing noticeable happened the last few days. Just enjoying the presence of everyone, visiting good old London under the snow (that quickly transforms into disgusting mud but oh well) and drinking hot wine for the first time in my life, believe it or not. I don't know if I love or hate the taste of it.

I just came back from a walk in Kensington Park and one of my curls is actually frozen. I'm not kidding, it won't move (until it gets warmer, hopefully).

My mum is all over me these days. She won't stop kissing me and hugging me every time she sees me. The massage session I offered her along with the kids-like DIYs and the mug 'mum of the year' probably helped, though. Yes, I'm 25, don't ask.

Tonight is New Years eve, and I'm gonna spend it with my band, friends of my band, a few old friends of mine and I invited Andy and one of his friends as well. I'm having the party at my place after going in a bar (which one is still a mystery though). I'm about to go cause my flat is not necessarily very organized at the moment and I can't think about being a host that sucks. I have nightmares about it, no joke.

 

_7pm_

They're about to come. Hold on, somebody's at the door.

Awkard, that's Andy.

M-

* * *

 

**01.01.2009**

_2pm_

My head. Holy Jesus I got so drunk what even happened.

Okay I remember. So. Err. I think I kissed everyone. I think I'm a slut. For real, I'm laughing right now but I kissed about 6 people, out of dares or just out of nothing. OH MY GOD I KISSED ANDY. I just saw I got a message from him saying he's having a hangover from hell (I relate) and he enjoyed the evening quote 'very much'. What is that supposed to mean? (I know what it's supposed to mean I'm just acting like one of those fools on TV who pretend they're the last one to get the situation, I'm no fool, I'm just trying to avoid the answer).

I hope with all my heart the fan I accidentally bumped into at the bar yesterday won't repeat the nonsense I told her cause I'm in deep deep shit otherwise. I tend to get a bit too confident when buzzed, I should know better. Not that I don't trust my fans but I have limits (and so do they).

 

_4pm_

I'm still in bed, drenched in my sweat, and that's disgusting. I'm gonna go take a shower and drink the whole water of London so I can survive.

 

_5pm_

I still haven't taken my shower because I just got on the phone with Andy. We spoke about how bad we were feeling before the conversation went everywhere (i'm talking; animals, society, habits we have, past issues and so on). That was fun, he's really smart and quite a deep guy too, it's cool to talk to him.

Anyway, shower time is greatly needed.

 

_6:30pm_

I took a shower from heaven. God my notes are bs today, but nothing is happening apart from my hungover face trying to sort itself out.

M-

* * *

 

**01.03.2009**

_6pm_

I said goodbye to quite a lot of people. Okay where do I start.

I'm in the plane to Los Angeles right now. Because singer problems 101: I need to fix my album. Long story short, most of it is done but some problems occurred (how fun would that be if nothing went wrong) and I'm tired of skype sessions. Might as well just go check things out. That's the downside of this job, you're never really working, but you're never really resting either. My mum was pissed (honestly I wasn't, I see her all the time, it's also cool to be alone from time to time), and my grandma asked me why I needed to move again. I think she hasn't grabbed the fact I'm a 'real' singer now. That's cute, although slightly annoying.

Now… I saw Andy yesterday. And today, before I left. He wanted to help with my luggage (although I honestly don't need any help, I'm not leaving for a month). I just think it was all part of his plan so he could 'unfortunately' brush his hand on mine and warm me up whenever I felt cold. He's cute. He really is. Oh yeah, diary, forgot to precise but I might like men a lot, you know. Not that it's surprising news, probably (I mean who dresses like me in life? Have you seen Robbie Williams wear my neon pants? Don't think so). I'm joking about it now, cause I learnt how to deal with that, but it's quite an issue. No one knows in my family yet, although I doubt my mum and sisters aren't aware already. Still trying to figure things out, but all I can say is when Andy left, the urge to hold him back was huge.

M-


	4. Chapter 4

**01.10.2009**

_7pm_

I came back. Andy was there to welcome me back. There was fans at the airport, unfortunately, cause I definitely missed him a bit too much and wanted to do more than just say “hi”.

* * *

 

**01.20.2009**

_4am_

Just spent the night outside in a park with him. I hate to say it, but I think... ~~I think I.~~

My heart is beating fast. Held hands. Didn't dare anything, but he did. I can still feel his lips on mine.

* * *

 

**01.22.2009**

_10pm_

I can't help thinking about him. I'm way too obsessed. I can't talk about anything else. I think we're dating now. My heart aches weirdly.

Album's fine. Ah, I can't get my thoughts to focus on anything but Andy, I'm not used to be so cheesy, God.

 

_11pm_

I love him. There, I fucking said it. Proud much Mika? Fuck…

* * *

 

**03.17.2009**

_Sometime in the middle of the night_

I couldn't write in here anymore. Something prevented me from doing so. I felt almost guilty for forgetting about it and it wasn't worth it.

My life's pace is too slow for me. Not much is really happening currently – some few events aside. Quite frankly, I feel really bad. Not because of my career, but because I'm fucking in love. Quite paradoxical huh? Not for me. I can't love properly. I either fall deep down into hardcore...obsession, or nothing at all, it seems. I hate being like this. I didn't know it could be possible for a simple body and soul to carry the weight of such strong feelings. I can't believe a tear is rolling down my cheek right now, but it's too much. I miss him constantly. I'm searching high and low in the night an answer but I can't find a single solution. Okay, I'm not only sad because I love him (cause still, it would be weird, even for me) but we had our first real fight yesterday. I'm scared of losing him. I'm cold, I'm shivering. Perhaps I'm sick too, I don't really know. I did just have a walk wearing nothing but a thin vest and it's freezing. I don't know anything, I'm constantly wondering way too many things. I want him happy, and me happy with him. I don't want him to run away from me the way some did in the past. I can't think about his deep shiny eyes turning away from me forever. I'm selfish. Love is all about selfishness, you just want a person because that person makes you feel good. That's life's fuck you, pretending you can be happy on your own but you need somebody to help you… I'm losing my mind. He's far, that's all I know. He's in Greece now, and he left angry at me. I called him about 17 times like a mad man and realised how much of an idiot I was, so I wrote a letter telling him, well, many things. Hopefully it changes something. It's only been nearly 3 months, it's too soon...Why am I talking as if we had just broken up, I need to calm down. I'm all over the place in my flat right now. It's messy here, just like it is in my head. I look like a zombie, and not the cool (I guess) ones from movies. I just look like a guy who can't figure out his life. I hate being in that state, because when you look at it, my life is good. Sure I have some problems, just like everybody but what about those who really suffer? What about those people who maybe just lost their mum or got seriously injured because some dickhead broke into their home? What about people dying from hunger in poor countries? And yet here I am writing like a dick my so called self-entitled important emotions. I feel a bit disgusted. Cause what I just said is as true as it is unreasonable to think that way. And now I'm struggling to keep my tears from falling. I hate crying, I feel weak, I feel the way I used to feel when I was a child and I don't want those feelings to ever come back. I moved on, I've grown up, I should only move forward in life and not stay stuck into some ridiculous vicious circle.

Anyway. Point is. I love Andy. I really do. I've never felt that way for anybody before. And it's frightening, not knowing what to do and what to say. There's nothing I can add really, as none of my words will make a difference anyway. I'm sick and tired of being afraid. If I cry anymore, my tears will make me disappear for good. I never thought I'd say those words.

I just hope to God you listen there somewhere, Andy, and understand you're not just a guy. You're mine. And I want you mine forever.

… Good night, sorrow…

M-


	5. Chapter 5

**03.20.2009**

_3pm_

I just read my last entry. Damn, I got intense. I feel better now. Much better, actually. Andy came back here, in London, and wanted to stay only a few days at my flat, but I managed to convince him to stay a bit longer. He's currently having a nap. We discussed our fight, concluded it was extremely silly and watched his favourite movie (I guess that's my way of apologizing). My heart feels so much lighter now, I can breathe again. I didn't show him how much I was hurting while he was gone when he came back, so hopefully he thinks I'm a grown up who can deal with situations (which I'm not good at, truth be told).

My mum was getting all worried when I called her right before Andy arrived. I told her I was just feeling a bit lonely and needed to find my way back to happiness away from her house. She believed it.

I don't know if I'll be able to tell them yet, it's too soon, I still don't really know what's going on and I'm afraid telling them my...situation would make things harder in the future between Andy and I.

He's calling me. I can't cope with his sleepy voice, brb.

 

_4pm_

Just spent about half an hour cuddling with him on the bed. I'm like a child, I can't stop smiling. If it was someone else I'd find it equally beautiful and pathetic, but as I'm in the middle of all this I can't decide if it's the cutest thing or if I should go vomit my happiness down the toilet. I'm laughing but there's so much joy in me, how come a single person can make you feel so good?

I bumped into a fan as well two days ago, while I was going to get some supplies at the supermarket. She seemed to feel I was a bit sad according to the look on her face, so she looked at me and told me I made her feel strong when she needed it the most, and that I should take her energy the same way to smile harder. I thanked her but deep down I struggled not tearing up. My fans are so incredible. I gave her a hug, took a picture and she asked me if I needed help with my stuff. Wanted to know where I lived huh, nice try cutie!

Fortuné is getting more excited than I am about my next album. That's saying something. He listened to the entire album I currently have and got hooked. That warms my heart.

Okay Andy just came in the room and asked me what I was doing. I told him it was my diary – I don't know if that was a good idea – but he asked me if he could write in it. As in, a little personal note, promising me he wouldn't ready anything, just write. I trust him, so I agreed.

 

* * *

 

**03.21.2009**

_6:30am_

You don't know yet, love, but I'm going to surprise you with a huge breakfast. I hope you like it, I'm trying to be too cute so you can't get enough of me. Don't vomit the cheese, I know you don't like it too thick!

A-

 

_8am_

I mean...

 

_9am_

I'm stuffed. I'm writing on Andy's belly, that's why it's looking shitty he keeps laughing. We're about to get ready and go have a walk in the fresh Londonien air. He says he wants to bring his camera. I'm guessing he wants a private photoshoot.

I actually forgot to tell you (I'm not writing on his belly anymore, it's way too distracting). Andy is a film-maker, and he loves photography, hence what I just said. I met him, at first, while we were filming the music video for Love Today. I think at the time he only thought I was a weird guy, but went with it. We occasionally worked together then it got more frequent. He helped for the DVD of my show at the Parc Des Princes in Paris. He's really skilled despite having only a few years of experience. Forgot to say he's 2 and a half years younger than me, so, yeah.

 

_10pm_

Peaceful day, but exhausting. Lots of fun being chased by Andy's camera everywhere in the forest. I think it became a hide-and-seek more so than a professional photoshoot but I loved it much better. He also gave me one of his bracelets. It's a very simple one-string bracelet, dark brown, but that's one of the most precious thing I own, now.

Uh all the cheese, Andy if you see this calm down, I might become lactose intolerant!

 

_10:15pm_

Just read the last sentence. Oops is all I have to say. Now come to bed sing me something… :)

A-

 

_00:00pm_

Well. Now I feel even more exhausted (not saying why but that last note from Andy should be sufficient information). Didn't quite sing but close enough (you're never TMI in a diary, right? Right. May I add he's got some skills then?) Anyway, good night x

M-


	6. Chapter 6

**03.25.2009**

_10am_

Andy left this morning, I just came back from the airport. I miss him already, that little bastard. I found a little letter inside one of the cupboards in the kitchen, I'm gonna put it in there:

“Hey love. If you read this, that probably means I'm gone already, in which case wipe your tears away I know you miss me terribly already.

Jokes apart, I just wanted to remind you that I love you and I hope you have a good day nonetheless. I might have stolen the duplicate of your red flannel shirt by 'accident'… Don't be mad, I just took it while your were in the shower, so now I have a little piece of you with me (and a nice home-made pillow for the plane).

See you sooner than later! xo

A-"

Ain't he cute…

 

_12pm_

It feels quite empty in here. I'm cooking but I'm not too hungr

Jesus almost ruined my entire kitchen, as I was writing I didn't realise the sauce was going crazy in the pan. I'm a disaster.

This journal is looking disgusting, between the shitty writing, the food stains and whatnot. Anyway, I might go shopping with my sister this afternoon for a birthday. I'm helping her decorate. Hopefully that'll bury the hatchet between us because she (I'm talking about Yasmine btw) and I fought like insane people at 2am two days ago. Sometimes that happens, but I know it always gets better right afterwards. Her asking me to help and inviting me is proof she's already over it and so am I.

 

_12:45pm_

My dad just called me while I was eating, asking me what I was going to do for the next few days and such. Catching up.

I better try and find another shirt to wear then, since the bastard I'm supposed to be with is a thief. It's getting a bit warmer, I think I can get away wearing a shirt and a thin vest, my 17 necklaces will keep me warm, ha. Andy's trying to convince me to take at least one of my watches (yes I currently have 3) off but I won't give in. I like it. Although one night I woke up because one of them was literally cutting my flesh. I told Andy to stop biting me while I sleep but my poor excuse attempt failed miserably.

What am I going on about, I need to leave, tomorrow I have an interview and two days later I need to fly to Paris. Hopefully I won't look as tired as I do today.

* * *

 

**04.01.2009**

_10am_

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

I'm in Paris, in a little flat, I am indeed aware this is April fools and when I woke up cause Andy was calling me I smirked and thought he'd tell me some bullshit. Instead he was like “get up, lazy ass, and go at the door”. I thought he was fucking with me but here he was in front of my door. Shit. I didn't expect that one.

* * *

 

**04.02.2009**

_6pm_

I feel a bit weird writing this, but this is my diary so why the fuck not (since when do I shy away from my own thoughts?)

Andy has this ability to make me feel like I'm worth the world, especially when we make love. It's not just sex, it's actual love, I've never felt that before. I always found the subject of love fascinating, but I never really experienced it for real, it was all an idea planted in my head mostly coming from what society tells you love is. And it's all pretty and beautiful and happy endings every time but life isn't like that. You get hit on the head, disappointed and sad, much more often than what you could have ever expected. But somehow, this man… He manages to make me feel all those way-off feelings I brushed off as fantasy my entire life. When I wake up in the morning with my sleepy disgusting face, he stares into my eyes and makes me feel beautiful. He doesn't need words, there's something happening in his blue shiny eyes that just conveys warmth, joy and love. Raw things. I shouldn't be laughing cause I was actually making sense for once, but I was about to write “Andy is raw” and. Anyway, yeah, raw…

I'm kidding. He's not just some beast. But what I'm trying to say is, he doesn't fuck, he never did no matter how we asked each other to. He always made love to me and vice versa. I find it rare enough to mention it. Before, it'd be good and then over. With him, it's like I can still feel the pressure of his soft hands on my skin weeks after he touched me, it's like his breath still brushes over my cheek days after he laughed, it's like I can still taste his lips on mine hours after he kissed me. Time stops when he does.

I have a pain in my chest. Might be love, might be fear. I never thought I'd be this guy writing poems about that, I'm not that romantic of a guy to tell the truth, but turns out one single human being can change you slightly. I can't be thinking about that too much either with everything that's about to happen for me. Actually, I'm not really thinking about it, it just happens. Feelings over words.

 

_7pm_

Andy bought the whole of Paris to cook a royal feast tonight, apparently. I'm smiling like a fucking idiot.

By the way, I went on the MFC today after not checking on it for months and I saw people were actually really questioning my life nowadays. Whether that's about what the fuck I'm doing in my life at the moment, although it's getting better since I made a twitter about a week ago (yeah that's a thing now, something tells me this is NOT a good idea though), or about my relationships (/sexuality cause that's ALSO a thing) or a whole bunch of other things. I will never understand how my life is of any interest (work apart). But they're lovely (and funny, I saw some people impersonating me and even though I usually hate that, this time that was pretty funny, as well as drawings and stuff).

Anyway, gotta take a shower while Andy attempts to cook (I'm mean).

M-

 

_7:15pm_

I couldn't help but read the sentence you last wrote as my name was on it and yeah you are. I'm butt hurt. I feel unloved. Boohoo me.

By the time your slow ass will be (finally thank God!!) cleaned, that should be smelling like Greece in here! Can't wait for you to choke on some pasta. :)

Love you (not!)

A-


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